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“MEIN KAMPF”
(My Struggle [With Sex]
By Rick Santorum*
*[Harvard Hollenberg writing as an imagined Rick Santorum.]
On the night before my inauguration as President, I slept but fitfully. Upon clinching the election last November
2012, the incumbent President, Barack Obama, very graciously afforded me Secret
Service protection. Every time one of
those big, handsome, powerful young men has touched me by the elbow, as if to
guide me safely around an obstacle or some perceived danger, I have felt a frisson
of sexual excitement I had never known before. At once, I become fearful and joyful. In my latest dream, three of them tied me face down onto my bed
and thoroughly invaded my space. During
the dream, after these encounters, I saw that I had not been restrained at all,
but that I had laughingly welcomed the attention. Then they schooled me on the art of fellatio, giving and
receiving, and I felt suddenly blessed.
The imagined proactive sexual perpetrators were then surrounded by
voracious nuns and priests. These
grotesque religious bore the heads of horned kine and the giant bodies of
humans, who devoured my fantasy sexual partners. I awakened the next morning bathed in sweat and sticky in the
nether regions for obvious reasons.
Of course it had occurred to me, before my post-Senatorial career, when I became a
millionaire, that my economic circumstances strongly impelled the use, by my
wife and I, of contraception, to maintain a manageable family size. However, pursuant to the dictates of our
priests, we quickly adopted the view that the role of the woman is forced to give up
her own career, to turn herself into a baby- making factory, and to keep her
neck well underfoot of her husband’s heel.
Somewhere between our fourth and seventh child, my wife wondered aloud
about God’s mandate, after creating Adam and Eve, “be fruitful and multiply.”
Couldn’t that be read to mean, if likely to be unfruitful, don’t multiply? Reminded of her potential banishment into a
Catholic oubliette, and loss of custody of the children, her passion
subsided and she quickly dropped that mode of expression.
While it is true that Roman Catholic doctrine allows for sexual congress between a man and
wife that is not likely to or designed to result in procreation (“the rhythm
method”), other types of sexual relations, even between heterosexual
married couples must be criminalized.
Contraception is forbidden because it can interrupt the consummation of
the sin for which each Catholic needs forgiveness and can acquire forgiveness
only at the behest of the Church. No
sin, no Church. Lately, Pope Benedict
XVI approved the use of condoms by HIV infected male prostitutes. Like the Pope, I see no reason to extend
this liberal exception to anyone seeking to prevent contagion or to conform
family size to income. The
aggrandizement of Roman Catholic populations is a good unto itself and needs no
further religious exegesis. As long as
there are loaves and fishes, overpopulation (along with global warming) will be
a myth.
As for abortion, where the Supreme Court has declared that the fetus has no rights
apart from those of the woman carrying the fetus, until that fetus becomes
viable, I must accept, on doctrinal grounds, that where a woman has been raped
or has been the victim of incest, God wants her to carry the child to term,
just as Christ carried his cross to Golgotha.
While I fully understand that an unwanted child is most often not given
up for adoption, but remains in the family unit to become the scapegoat for
every bad thing that has happened, is happening or will happen in that family,
that circumstance is simply the child’s cross to bear. Physicians who perform abortions under
conditions least likely to produce “back alley” consequences for a woman, such
as hemorrhaging, scarring, sterility and death should nevertheless be
imprisoned for long periods of time because we so reverence life.
While I have had my own gay dreams, I still must oppose the lifting of the ban on gays
serving openly in the military, i.e., “don’t ask, don’t tell,” as well as the
enactment of “gay marriage.” The only
medically acknowledged aphrodisiac is adrenalin. So whether in fact or fantasy, my dealing with subjects relating
to homosexuality projects a thrill for me only where I can imagine myself
engaged in such conduct as furtive – and where I might really get caught.
Gay marriage is a welcome issue to the
most disappointed and disillusioned segment of the population, because it
renders prolix a much cherished but seldom articulated tenet of
conservatism. We believe that
homosexuality is coterminous with promiscuousness. For the sake of our
children’s safety, we must reinforce that belief. Where people of the
same gender may publicly and lawfully enter into relationships under the same
rubric as heterosexuals, i.e., marriage, regardless of data to the contrary,
there is no way those marriages might prove, to my satisfaction, as loving,
caring and responsible as heterosexual unions.
The argument that homosexuality is harmful because it precludes monogamy
must be maintained at all costs. The other part of the argument against gay
marriage is self-evident: where two
young men or two older women, down the street get married, the husband of a
neighboring heterosexual marriage will immediately go on a tear seeking out other
men with whom to have sex, and his wife will start looking for other women. I
know I would.
Finally, some voters wonder why I appear to be spoiling for a war against Iran. After all, they maintain, we have avoided
war with the Soviet Union, China, and North Korea, which also have nuclear
weapons. I have been at great pains to
point out that Iran is an Islamic theocracy, and must be destroyed for that
very reason. In the Old Testament, God
makes clear to the Hebrews that they have not only a right but also a duty to
create their homeland by wiping out non-monotheistic populations in Western
Asia. Speaking of today, Iran’s
expansionist ambitions must be nipped in the bud. Besides, if, as President, I intend to create a Roman Catholic
theocracy in the United States, under the guise of a truly conservative
government, we must first rid the world of that Persian worst example of
theocracy: in order to render more palatable our own putative Christian
theocracy to the civilian hoi polloi.
Harvard Hollenberg is a writer and an appellate attorney in New York City.
© Copyright Harvard Hollenberg 2012. All rights reserved.
